The Biggest Loser
by StargateNerd
Summary: In which Pitch is doing a bad job of sticking to his guns, Jack is aware he probably has issues but doesn't really care, and regardless of which side you're on, making Tooth angry is an extremely bad idea.


A/N: This was what I intended to be my fill for the BlackIce week prompt "Lover's Spat". As you can see, it quickly spiralled out of control, just like pretty much everything else I write -_-;;

I CAN'T WRITE SIMPLE ONESHOTS GDI

also what constitutes a good title? I have no clue

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As soon as they came through North's portal, Jack was sure that whatever the Goody Two-Shoes Brigade wanted him for, it had to do with Pitch.

Granted, the herd of Nightmares that swarmed the skies above the Tooth Palace was kind of a dead giveaway. And it was actually very creepy that the Bogeyman's minions were catching the tiny faeries and storing them _in their stomachs_, though Jack's spectrum definition of creepy probably varied from "normal" people's, otherwise he would've run for the hills the first time he woke up to Pitch watching him sleep. In a tree. Barely five inches from his face.

Anyway, Jack felt perfectly justified in smacking one of the Nightmares over the head with his staff and ordering it to let the faeries go. He didn't appreciate being mobbed by the little pests though, and what was with the lovesick looks on their faces?

He dropped back down to the sleigh and barely had a moment to rest before he was being handed the reins and then North was _standing up and slashing at the Nightmares while cackling_ and okay, maybe not all of the Guardians were totally boring, but he wasn't sure if he was comforted with the alternative of them being batshit _insane_ instead.

One rough landing later, Jack was fairly certain that the kangaroo, of all people, was the most sane of the bunch.

"Well well, the Big Four, all in one place," said an irritatingly familiar voice. "I'm a little star-" Pitch stopped. "_What_ is _he_ doing here?" he demanded, his tone no longer mocking.

"Hey, it wasn't my idea," Jack retorted, glaring up at the spire where Pitch was standing. "And I was right, you do have a fixation for looming over people."

"I do not!" Pitch scowled before he focused on the Guardians. "Really, is this your plan? Try to get Frost to talk me out of my schemes?"

"Do you _have_ to call them schemes?" Jack groaned. "Seriously, it's not only old school, but pretty damn cliche."

"I like old school," Pitch defended.

"Oh believe me, I've noticed!"

"Just because you don't have the guts for scaring children-"

"Oh I've got guts! I just don't think inducing a psychotic break in people who don't deserve it is all that fun! We've gone over this!"

Pitch appeared right in front of Jack, shadows writhing at his feet. "I am the Bogeyman, I will _not_ engage in the mockery the humans dare to call Halloween!"

"It'd sure as hell be easier!"

"What have I told you about cursing? Do you want me to wash your mouth out again?"

"I thought you _liked_ washing my mouth," Jack leered. "Or at least putting stuff in it."

"I like you best when your mouth is shut," Pitch hissed, "or when you can't speak coherently."

Off to the side, the Guardians were feeling more and more awkward as the arguing duo went on. Why was Jack Frost so _familiar_ with Pitch?

"Sandy, did you know of this?" North asked the only one of their group who ever really got out on a regular basis. The Sandman shook his head. Surprisingly enough, it was Tooth who interrupted Jack and Pitch's argument.

"Jack, could you please just give me a minute with Pitch?" she asked sweetly, her hands resting on the winter spirit's shoulders.

Pitch glared at her for cutting his tirade cut short. "This is none of your business Toothiana-"

"The hell it isn't," she hissed, her fingers clenching down on Jack's bony shoulders.

"Hey hey, enough with the manhandling! Geez, I thought your thing was with teeth..."

"And yours are very pretty; the prettiest I've seen in quite some time," she mused with a smile, still firmly gripping him. "And I'd hate to see anything happen to them, so if you could just move while I have a word with his Royal Halitosis, we can both be happy."

Jack cackled. "'His Royal Halitosis'? Yeah, I think you've got the wrong guy; I'd have definitely noticed if there was something wrong with his teeth by now."

"Halitosis is bad breath, often brought on by poor dental hygiene," Tooth informed him cheerfully.

"Oh." Jack cocked his head to the side. "I'll give you a point on that one."

"That's it!" Pitch threw up his arms, then stalked over and grabbed Jack by the wrist, wrenching him from Tooth's grasp. "I'll not have you do-gooders corrupting him any more than you already have! We. Are. _Leaving_."

"I thought we were "taking a break"!" Jack protested.

"Yes, well my dislike for them heavily outweighs our quarrel," Pitch replied.

"You're just a sore loser," the Guardians heard Jack say before the couple were swallowed by shadows.


End file.
